Silkmoths

A female Promethea silkmoth (Callosamia promethea) hanging out on a stick, drying her wings.

This post doesn’t have any to do with writing, but instead has to do with another passion of mine.

I love rearing silkmoths.

Not for their silk, but for their beauty. When most people think of moths, they probably think of little, drab night creatures. But silkmoths are not only big and beautiful, but the one pictured above is actually a day flier.

She is the first of her sisters to emerge from her cocoon this year, and two of her brothers hatched yesterday. I let the males go, since it’s the females that I need in order to breed them.

How do I breed them? Well, they do all the work. An unmated female releases pheromones into the air, and males home in on the scent trail and follow it back to the female to mate with her. After the mated pair separates, the female will lay a bunch of eggs, and, once I get eggs, I let the female go.

Even though I’ve seen the complete life cycle of several species of silkmoths many times over, the entire process has never gotten old for me, and I never fail to get excited when my moths emerge from their cocoons, all in mint condition. It may sound dumb, but I’m always amazed at the fact that those big, beautiful moths started out as tiny eggs.

As I’m writing this, I’m sitting outside with the female (the same one as in the picture) waiting for the males to arrive. She’s in a little mesh bug cage tied up in a tree, so she’s protected from birds and can’t escape. She’ll keep releasing pheromones until dusk, so hopefully I’ll get a male for her this evening.

Afraid

I know that I’ve said here before that I hope to self-publish my book before I turn eighteen. At the moment, I’ve never felt so close to making that a reality.

I should be happy. I am way ahead of my editing schedule, and I know that the story has greatly improved since I first took that red pen to paper.

Yet I’m terrified.

Back during the extremely messy first draft/second draft phase, I sent out the first few chapters to crit partners and close friends. Needless to say, I felt absolutely crushed when I got their comments back, even though I know they were trying to help me improve my story. (And their feedback was really helpful. Without their help, I think I would still be stuck with a worse version of my first chapters.)

The problem with me, though, is that I take everything personally. When I tell myself not to, that people want to help me with my writing, I still feel like crying when I get comments back. They can even be grammar related, and I feel humiliated.

Even when it comes to my own mother, who, by the way, happens to be great at critiquing, I hesitate. She knows that, of course, and tries really hard to boost my self-confidence, but it doesn’t always work. Thoughts like these swirl around my head as she reads my chapters:

Does she think my story is boring?
Is she saying that just to be nice?
Does my writing stink? Is she judging me based on my writing?
Is she judging me based on my characters?

Part of the problem, too, is that I have poured so much of myself into this story that I’d feel embarrassed having friends and family read it. It’s like a journal with the most private things about my life bleeding through its pages. Do I really want people I know reading this story?

I’m trying to get past that fear of having others read my writing. After all, that’s kind of the point of writing stories: to be able to share something you’re passionate about, something that is close to your heart, with others. Or, at least, that’s why I write.

Plus, I know that the story can be better than it is right now. I love my novel, but I do want to put it down someday and know that it’s the best it can ever be. And I can’t make it that way on my own. Others will need to help show me the mistakes I failed to catch, even after countless hours of me staring at the story’s pages.

So, as scary as it is for me, I’m planning to have family and friends look over my novel soon. I even, in a spurt of bravery, signed up for an account on FictionPress and posted the first three chapters of my story for others to read and review.

(If you clicked that link to read the beginning of my story, I thank you so very much. If you even felt like leaving a review, no matter how small, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your time and your thoughts. ^_^)

I still have a long way to go in building my self-confidence and sharing my work with others. It’s extremely hard for me, but I’m getting there.

Haunted At 17

Author Nova Ren Suma is celebrating the release of her new novel, 17 & GONE, this week (today, actually!) and has asked any number of her writer friends to share what haunted them at 17 (well, I don’t really know her, as I’m just a big fan of her writing). Be sure to check out her blog to see all the authors taking part in the series.

So, what’s haunted me at 17? Well, for starters, I’m actually 17 right now.

No ghosts or creepy people are haunting me at the moment (that’s why there’s no picture of me here, as I don’t want to encourage any creepy internet stalking). But I think what haunts me now is just the fact that I’ll be going to college next year, and the fact I’m almost an adult. (That last fact really hit home when I registered to vote while getting my learner’s permit. I can vote this November!)

While going to college and living on one’s own might be exciting for some 17-year-olds, it’s the opposite for me. I hate change. I’m going to miss my house where most of my life’s memories reside. I’m going to miss the woods and fields where I escaped to and write and chase butterflies. I’m going to miss my dogs and cat. I’m going to miss my funny little brother. I’m going to miss my loving parents who support me in everything.

I’m basically going to miss everything about where I live, both the good and the bad.

Of course, there are things to look forward to in college (new friends, studying the things I love), but the actual change from home to college is what scares me the most right now. I don’t like the thought of uprooting myself and moving to a strange new location, all while being completely on my own.

I know that my life will never be constant, that it will be full of changes, and that I will adapt to whatever comes my way, but knowing this doesn’t necessarily scare the fear away. I just have to brace myself, be prepared, and be positive no matter what happens.

On the bright side, at least no matter where I go or how old I get, I will always have my laptop, my annoying characters, and the story they’re screaming at me to write.

Just Dusting Off the Blog

Life’s been so busy that I haven’t had a whole lot of free time, so this blog’s had plenty of time to collect dust. It’s hard for me to believe that it’s been more than two months since I’ve said anything here, but, judging from my past record, it’s really not all that unbelievable. I do everything in spurts.

Since I like lists, here’s the latest about my life:

JanNoWriMo

I’ve been kind of absent lately from my blog for a lot of reasons, most of which include school, writing, procrastination, and JanNoWriMo (short for January Novel Writing Month). My brain seems to operate on a basic level and can only handle a few things at once before forgetting about others.

I’m pretty sure I’ve talked about JanNo here before, but for those who don’t know what it is, it’s a spinoff of NaNoWriMo and takes place in January (which I guess was kind of obvious…), although the rules there are much more lax (you can finish already started works and do any kind of writing you want). The home page is a little outdated, but the forms are pretty active.

While I’m not officially participating, as I’m just editing my novel, I still enjoy hanging out with the small friendly group of writers there. I’ve even been brave enough to share an excerpt of what I’m writing with them, as I’m so paranoid of what other people will think of my writing and how they will judge me based on it. But their nice, encouraging feedback is helping me to open up more, and not worry so much about others’ opinions of me. I can’t please everyone.

I know it’s a little late for others join the group and start writing, but if you haven’t heard of the website before, I strongly suggest you check it out. It’s never too late to meet a new, wonderful group of writers, and the motivation you get when receiving words of encouragement is such a beautiful thing, especially if you’re struggling with the words on the page.

On another note, my novel so far is coming along great. I was on a three (or was it four?) day writer’s high, extremely pleased with myself and what I had written/edited. Things have gotten more bumpy since then, but I’m happy that I’ve kept to my resolutions and haven’t missed a day of writing so far this year. I only have about three more scenes left before finishing the middle of my novel, so I’ll have to make a decision about whether I should edit the end next or go back to the beginning.

We’ll just have to wait and see how it goes.